grow older better

Author: Lynn Dorman, Ph.D.

  • Do you have Aging Parents?

    You do have aging parents?  You are so lucky!

    Why? It means they are still alive!

    Yes –  caring for aging parents can be difficult.  BUT – there are a few things you can do to help you and them decide what is best for them.

    And yes, that means your decision making about them must include them!

    So how does one do this?

    • Have “the talk” with your parents while they are still active and healthy
    • Do a think/look/see at alternative living arrangements
    • Put all your decisions in writing

    The talk

    Remember when your parents had “the talk” with you about sex?  This version of “the talk” is about aging – their aging and yours.

    When you have this talk is up to you.  A good time for this talk, just like for the sex talk, is long before you actually need to deal with the reality of it.

    What is the substance this talk?  A frank discussion of issues such as

    • driving
    • housing
    • style of life
    • money
    • end of life decisions

    These may not seem like “pleasant” topics for a family chat – but the earlier you have this chat the more involved your parents can be in the decisions. 

    Waiting until a decision is necessitated by events is not the best time to have this discussion – if, in fact, a discussion can be had at that moment.

    Most of these issues revolve around loss of independence – a difficult option for most – but especially for older persons.  Cars, housing arrangements, life style and money give one a sense of independence.  As does making ones own decisions about changing or re-arranging these circumstances.

    Be sure to let your parents tell you what they think and want or how any decisions should be made.

    Look/See

    You can all visit senior housing communities at any time and study all the options available; including living near or with you.  There are so many newer housing communities that try to meet the many requirements for their aging populations.

    Put everything in writing

    Wills, living wills, estate matters; end of life decisions and housing/finance decisions can be put in writing.  They can also be changed.  The legalities may vary depending on where you live or where your parents now live.  Reducing your family discussions to a written document may help everyone when the emotional time comes to take action on any of the decisions.

    Aging is often difficult to deal with – but getting older sure bets the alternative.  And we now have families who have both aging parents and still-at-home children. 

    This younger generation is getting first hand experience with the “aging parent” issue they see their own parents dealing with the grandparents.

    And for many – this may be a good time to even discuss about when those kids will have “the talk” with their parents.

    As with many of life’s ongoing issues, good communication goes a long way to alleviate major problems.

    After my mother died, my son and I started our "talks" about my future and what I want v. what he thinks – those talks are sort of ongoing…

    Do you have a plan? do your kids have a plan? Do you talk about this?

    Please comment below and let's chat – thank you





  • Who, or what, is considered “old” these days?

    Is this an activity for "old" people? Sure is! Is this an activity for "old" people?

    Why not ??

     
     
     
    40 used to be old; then it was 50 or 60; now it is over 75 [ish].

    Textbooks on lifespan human development have been adding new chapters to the end of the books and re-categorizing and re-labeling the ages between 35-75. 

    The cohort of "75 to death" is now sometimes called “very old age.”  [But at least over 75 is included in newer textbooks – older ages used to be entirely left out.] 

    And just so older persons don’t feel singled out; adding in chapters about ages 30, 40 and 50 took a long time too.  Developmental Psychology, as a field of study, is still growing – as is the human lifespan.

    We all get old but we need not sit around and wait for death to happen.

    Death is psychologically as important as birth… Shrinking away from it is something unhealthy and abnormal which robs the second half of life of its purpose. Jung

    However you define this later age of maturity – it is important to keep yourself and our increasingly longer later age[s] of life in super condition.

    How do you do this so you are not robbing yourself of the purpose which Jung mentions?

    Here are three suggestions:
    • keep your body in the best shape possible
    • keep your brain active
    • socialiize

    Your body

    It’s the only one you have and you need to take care of it. Yes, these days parts can be replaced – but you still then need to take care of the new parts.

    The best time to start this body care is now! It doesn’t matter how old you are, taking care of that body can begin today! [Even if you are in your “youth” and reading this.]

    Exercise daily. It can be as simple as walking to more complicated exercise routines. Just start now!

    Your brain

    Like your body, the brain too needs exercise. They thrive on challenge – so keep doing harder and harder mental tasks. Don’t settle for the easy puzzle – stretch and go for the harder one. Make that brain really work! 

    Your social life

    Socializing keeps you in shape too. It makes you think, react and use your brain. Be a friend. Make new friends. You’ll feel better.

    And best of all one can combine all of the above by finding a friend to exercise with and or go to a discussion group or book club. Your body brain and social being will feel so good. You’ll have a super later age of maturity.
     
    what's you take on "old"  let's chat via comments below

  • Who Experiences The Most Stress?

    stress
     
     
    I'm not sure there is a "correct" answer – but one might guess that at any given time, some age group will say "MINE WINS."
    And this may not a good thing to "win" as stress is not good for our bodies…[well lots of stress is not good – some stress can be energizing.]
    According to a few psychological theories, such as Erikson's, each age or stage has tasks to manage and how one manages those tasks may, or may not, cause stress.
    A young child who has homework to do may say: " I can't wait until I am a grown-up and I have no more homework to do. Then I can play!"
    A teenager [and this is a whole other culture] may be stressed out by most anything and everything.
    A young adult just about to graduate from college was heard saying: " I can't wait til graduation is over. Then the most stressful part of life will be behind me."
    Young adults with young children will say they are the most stressed. "We have to work, find day care or baby sitters, get the kids to their activities and still find time for ourselves and our friends. It's stressful."
    Working adults with school-aged children will say they are more stressed than anyone. "We need to save more for our retirement and what if the kids need financial help as they age? We need a new car; the kids need braces; my kid wants a computer, etc."
    Older adults in their 60's may say, "It's hard for us; we still worry about our kids [and maybe grandkids,] and we worry about our own housing and finances as we plan for our retirement."
    And even older adults, in say their 70's 80's or even 90's, may say they are now stressed about any or all the above mentioned stressors, plus their own current or potential health issues.
    So which age is the most stressed?
    Probably most will say it is the age they now are! Because that is the age you are living and know best.
    You can look back and see that you survived the earlier ages you thought were the most stressful at the time.

    And although you might look ahead and think about your own aging – no one really plans to have a stressful future –

    And – so we tend to not want to project our current stress too far into our future.

    This article, a bit modified, is also available at:

    Age and Stress

  • Is happiness related to age?

    friends help you be happy
     
    The quick answer is a resounding NO!

     
    Age is not related to happiness because  happiness has nothing to do with being a specific age. 
    What happiness does have to do with are the following 3 life circumstances:
    • enthusiasm about life and living
    • minimizing depression
    • being healthy
    And these three circumstances are interrelated.
    Enthusiasm is that child-like quality of wonder or passionate interest in life which, sadly, we seem to let diminish as we age. Henry David Thoreau once remarked: “None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.”
    Enthusiasm is seeing each new day and each new moment as a gift – a wondrous event; one that has such potential that we can be awe struck.
    Remember when your child was a baby? Everything was new and fun. Your child sat and stared at a flower, the cat or dog, or at you! And I bet you spent hours watching your baby sleep.
    Your young child was engrossed for hours pulling the petals off roses – smelling them or eating them. Ditto the dandelions and grass. Or listening to you read the same story over and over and over as if it had never been heard before.
    What happens that as we age we lose much of our enthusiasm? Many think it’s our education system and/or the current state of stress in modern families. Children just don’t seem to be allowed to spend those hours with the roses or with the parent reading – everyone is just too busy to allow it to unfold like that.
    But even for children who can stay enthused by the world around them, the prevalent culture of TV and school soon start to diminish this.
    Minimizing depression
    Maybe losing our enthusiasm as we age increases the incidence of depression? If each day brings wonder and excitement – it’s hard to be depressed. You get out of bed eager to see what the day has in store. You walk, you meet with friends, you go to work or you sit happily by yourself thinking about what a great thing it is that you are alive and happy about all that you can do! 
    Being healthy
    If you are healthy it is easier to be enthusiastic and to minimize depression. But it works the other way too. If you are enthused and have minimal depression – you do things that make and keep you healthy. 
    We live in a wonderfully and intricately interconnected body and mind.
    Stop and think why we label this phenomenon of enthusiasm as “child-like enthusiasm.”   I never hear “adolescent-like enthusiasm” or “adult-like enthusiasm” as if these are not possibilities.

    Go and find that stop and smell those rosesenthusiasm you had way back when and don’t worry if others say you are acting “like a child.”  

     

     

    Stop and smell those roses! 

    It will help you grow older better. 

  • What Makes Someone a Senior Citizen?

           Good question!

     
     
    Developmental Psychologists have long used either ages or stages to define segments of the population. Many developmental textbooks are divided into chapters based on one or the other of these definitions.

    Age definitions are ones that use numbers – such as: being 65 or older means you are a senior citizen; or all over 55 get a senior citizen discount.

    Stage definitions are usually feeling and behavior related – along the lines of: “you are only as old as you feel [or act.]”

    But over the last few decades, as we learn more and more about the later stages/ages of the lifespan, the thinking is changing – and so are the textbooks and definitions. 

    Why?

    Because the field of Developmental Psychology is itself aging – as are the original developmental psychologists – and more information is becoming known and understood about life’s processes. 

    And add to this that we are living longer. In 1940, the average life expectancy at birth in the USA was 62.9 years; in 1960 it was 69.7; by 1980 it was 74.1 and in 2000 it was 77.2. [The statistics differ by sex and ethnicity but these are the averages for all persons.]

    Average only is a middle figure. Half die before and half after the ages cited. And if one lives past infancy, life expectancy increases and it increases every year one is still alive. So those who were born in 1940, and are obviously well past 62.9, have a far different life expectancy than when they were born.   That expectancy is now somewhere into their mid 80s.

    So as to what makes you a senior citizen? It’s up to the language we use, the current psychology and of course, legal definitions.

    Most jurisdictions rely on when you can start collecting social security benefits to define what is their senior population. But that has been changing too and if you were born in 1960 or later, you will not be eligible for full Social Security benefits until age 67. But as we can still sign up for Medicare at age 65 – 65 seems still to be the “age” definition of senior citizen.

    Will that change? It might…but not for those who are already at or near 65. We ARE labeled senior citizens.

    And what about behavioral definitions – the stages aspect?

    That is up to us. We can continue to do what we have been doing – living life to it’s fullest and not becoming the stereotypes many have of what a senior citizen is.

    We are who we are – and are the ages we have accumulated! 

    If we let someone else’s characterizations of “senior-ness” define us or our behavior – then we are falling prey to stereotypes.

    I am of the thought that we are only as old as we feel and act! 
     
    So feel and act young! 

    You may still be a “senior” but you’ll wind up confounding a lot of people 
     
    This article can also be read at: